Wednesday, May 19, 2010

I'm Hurt.

I've been having a hard time lately.
NOBODY knows how it feels to watch your dad dying and your daughter in your arms thinking should I run so my daughter doens't get kidnapped and killed or watch my dad die. Feeling hopeless is the WORST feeling ever. I've never felt so useless in my life. I've never been so hurt in my life since the night of Sept 29th 2009.
It's been 233 days since it happened.
9 months! I can remember every single detail of it like it just happened today. I'm so hurt. I hate the feeling of watching my dad huff and puff on the ground while his eyes roll back into his head. laying in the ground getting kicked in the stomach and head over and over and feeling so useless becauase i have my daughter in my arms....... I HATE IT! i hate him for doing this to me and us and taylee. I am so hurt.
I always cry when I think about it.
I absoulutely hate when people tell me "he" needs to be in her life because he's her sperm doner. When somebody does something so cruel to you and your most precious people in your life all you want to do is HATE them forever.

I'M HURT.

I hate that I coudn't pull him off my dad and help him. I hate that I had to see his swollen face for weeks after. I hate that I had to see his eyes with black circles around them. I hate that my dad has permanent jaw damage because of the jerk. I hate when I have nightmares about it over and over. I hate that he hurt my baby. I hate that She looked at me and her eyes were yelling at me to save her. but no he was rattling her around like a rag doll. I hated watching her scream watching him hold her upside down and shake her and punch her. I hate him. I hate it. He is so nasty. I'm not ready to get over it as you can tell. It haunts me every day. If anybody has to watch this like I did I know they would feel the exact same way. NOBODY knows how I feel Except god.

1 Comments:

Blogger Ryan*Kendra*Kenz said...

Hi Jess... We definitly dont know how you feel and whoever tells you to feel different should rethink what they say. You have every right to feel the way you do. You have been through a lot. I dont know what is going on around your daughter and him but if it was me, I would do anything in my power to never let him see her again. you are so strong. You are doing amazing by pretecting your daughter. Let yourself feel what you need to feel.

May 21, 2010 at 10:43 AM  

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