Friday, January 15, 2010

Thinking back.... ROUGH ROAD!!!

So today I have been thinking back on how life use to be before I had a child. Being a mom can seriously be so hard. (even though it's the best thing ever) its tough! Sometimes I feel like I can never get out of the home becasue Taylee is sleeping, or sometimes I feel like I need to sleep, when tay's awake! I never realized how it would seriously change my life the moment I saw my pregnancy test was positive.

From the moment I saw my pregnancy test my life changed dramatically. I was on Dance Co. at Hunter High. (the most amazing experience ever!) Dance Company was filled with amazing people and to dance and perform was such a life changing experience. The day After I found out I was pregnant I had early morning practices. I suddenly had no energy to even move at dance class let alone perform during practices. Every day after dance I rushed home and ran into the bathroom and puked. Luckily I managed to make it in perfect timing. I had no energy to go to school. I slept all day long. I slept, ate, puked, slept, ate , puked. I seriously felt like an alien.

Somtimes I wonder how it would be to go into a store without having to plan it around time nap, lunch, taking the baby in and out of the car seat. Sometimes I wonder how it would feel to wake up and go to Dance practices early in the morning. Sometimes I wonder how it would feel to go on a date with Tyler and not have to worry about having a babysitter. I wonder how it would feel to have a sleepover with girls and sleep in until noon the next day. I wonder how it would feel to have my old body (with no stretch marks back). I sometimes wonder how it would feel to sit in high school and have my teacher yell at me because I'm texting. Sometimes I wonder how it would feel to have my parents buy me cute outfits. I wonder how it would be go to on vacations with dance company and be "CRAZY JESSI again". .. it feels like I'm not usually as crazy as I use to be. I guess you could say being a mom does that to you. I wonder how it would feel to go to dance camps and dance my heart out until I die. I wonder how it would be to cheat in my classes and laugh because the teacher never caught me

I don't regret having a baby. I just need to vent sometimes. I feel like I have missed out a lot on my "youth". I took advantage and wished to grow up.

Now instead of doing all those fun youthful things I...
* Have late nights with a crying baby
* Buy clothes for Taylee instead of myself
* Went to Young parent (which was a great experience)....... it was just not the same as high school. I tell my little sister sometimes. ... stop complaining. you should be happy your on a dance team.
*Had to barf every hour when I was pregnant, then got big and fat, lots of stretch marks.
*Buckle a baby in and out of the car seat when going even just down the street.
*Have a childs life that relys all on me. I have to teach her whats right . The gospel. To be a good friend. (no boys in her life ever. hahahahahah)
*Change million of diapers a day
*Support her fincially
*Did I mention loss of sleep?
*Did I mention I can't dance anymore?
*Did I mention I can't stay up all night with girls?.... sometimes it bugs me because lots of my friends want me to hang out, They worry about the clothes they should wear. There life is seriously so EASY! They stay up all night and sleep all day. I have to tell them, no I can't sleepover, I have to be a mommy the next day, in order for me to be a good mommy I need my sleep. Girls sometimes just dont get it! (no matter how much i love all of them, it's hard because there life is so hard and after I see them I usually just want to brake down. )
Pretty much sometimes I think I have gone through hell and back with all the mood swings of being pregnant, and having a crazy baby daddy sperm doner.

Sometimes I want Brett to know that I did everything. I can't believe he did everything that he did to my dad. My dad was only ever nice to him. He actually made my dad loose around ten thousand stupid dollars. ewe. he bugs me.

This is dance company after our concert ( I was about 7 weeks pregnant) I had already lost all of my strength. Jenni told me I looked like i was going to pass out on stage. sad..... i love dance so much. I love taylee to. sometimes its' just hard to look back.

This is dance co on our california trip. we had a blas in disneyland. This is right before we saw wicked.

hahaha. this is me, alex, and tracie in morning practice. PRICELESS. 6:00 AM and acting like crazy girls!

This is Alyssa and Me. This is the day after I found out I was pregnant. We had a blast at this assembly. We rolled up in tape and rolled all around the floor on lots of candy. the whole school was watching us. it was seriously hilarious.

Alyssa, me, and stephanie right before performing hip-hop at a basketball game.

Jo and Me. Right before we performed.

Me in my crazy dance outfit . I have some amazing memories from dance I will always remember.
Pretty much ........ I just want to say that It can seriously be so hard to be a teen mom! Your life is dramatically changed in nine months. You can't even go back. I Sometimes miss the one days. It's fun to see Jen Jen go through it. I will be excited to watch her dance and finish out the life I never got to finish.
I love being a mommy. I love taylee with all my heart. I have had a rough road. I want all the people out there to know that being a young mom is not always fun and games. It can be tough!!! Katie says that having a babies for like the first 18 months or something just wears your body out. I am seriously ALWAYS TIRED!!! Sometiimes i just want to sleep and sleep until I wake up. not when taylee wants me to wake up. anyways........
i love you baby princess.


Blogger Freebairn Family said...

These are the types of things I always ache to help the young women understand - I know being a mom is beyond exhausting, even when you're financially stable and have a wonderful husband to help. We pay so dearly for all the choices we make. It's so wonderful to know that despite how unbearably difficult it all is, you're still choosing the right and being the best mom you can be. I hope your dreams come true, even though you have missed out on so many of the fun things about being a teen. If anyone can pick herself up and be happy, I know it's you! You're very brave for sharing these emotions with other young girls, but what a powerful lesson you can give!

January 17, 2010 at 8:17 PM  

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