Friday, January 22, 2010

Scary Dream

Ever since I saw Brett at court I've been feeling like everything is happening to me again. It's almost like mentally and physically repeat. I am not trying to dwell on it though. I think if I dont get over it, it will keep coming back.
When I saw him look at me and tell me that he loves me I wanted to freak out. It made me sick even thinking he would say that to me after everything he has done to me.
Last night Tyler asked me if maybe Tay could sleepover at his house sometimes so I could sleep in and not worry about her. He asked if Brett ever took her. I told him about the only 1 time that Brett took her over night. He wouldn't let me pick take he home after hanging out with my friends. He insisted that she slept with him. All night I was worrying about Taylee. I didnt' know if she was crying or if she was hungry or if Brett would just ignore her. I called him a million times and he just ignored me. 11 AM the next morning rolled around I finally went to his home after waiting for him to answer the phone. His room was a million degrees hot. Taylee's face was red. She had not had a bottle or any type of food. She was getting fussy. Brett wouldn't let me leave with her unless I slept with him. I kept refusing. I knew if I didn't then I would never be able to bring Taylee out of the home and he would make a police scene that would make me look really bad. (or at least i thought so because he minipulated me so much) ...... so i was again, forced into doing things I didn't want to. Then I hurried up and left. I needed to make sure Taylee as okay from not eating in such a long time. I hate him. I hate how I still feel sick when People ask me everyday stuff and the feelings come back of being so hurt. I hate it. I need them to go away.
Last night I went to sleep, I had a horrible dream that I was stuck with Brett. He was hurting me and forcing me to do things I didn't want to do. I was in so much pain. I was just stuck. I didn't know what to do. I was so confused. All I wanted was to be away from him forever and keep Taylee away so shes always safe.
I told Tyler about this dream, he's mad I would ever had to feel this way. He told me that Brett no longer is controlling me. He told me when I have a bad thought I need to replace it with a good thought. I know I need to try it. I just think that it's real life. It really happened to me. No matter how hard I try to forget about it, it still hurts that somebody would treat me that way and be fine with it. I hate Brett so bad. I need to forgive him. Bishop told me I need to forget about stuff and forgive myself. I know that the savior will forgive the way we forgive. I don't know how to forgive him. The pain he put me through is tremendous. It hurts me. I hate having horrible dreams at night that I can't control.

I seriously need to go to counseling or something. I need it out of my head. It's dragging me down. I hate that a normal 18 year old girl would never even know how this feels. Can't I just be a normal 18 yr old?????

2 Comments:

Blogger Lisa said...

OH Jessi,
I am a believer in therapy. Sometimes we go through such horrible things in this life that we need someone to help us move past it. I am so sorry that you have been through so much and I pray with time that all the nightmares with go away. I love you Jessi Case.

January 22, 2010 at 10:20 PM  
Blogger TyRaeLynn-A LiFeToLiVe said...

Jessi i am SO sorry that this sort of thing EVER had to happen to you. It is SO unfair. It is AWFUL and i am so sorry that you have nightmares a lot. I too am a believer in therapy and the miracles it can bring...I am totally with you about hating that any other NORMAL 18 (well 19 now) year old doesnt know how it feels and that it SUCKS to not be normal. but you will make it Jessi... i know you will because you are amazing and a LOT stronger than you think. I never told you but i always idolized you when i lived there!! you are awesome Jessi, you will be ok! <3

October 11, 2010 at 1:30 AM  

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